New Year

Seems just 2011 was born but now its gone. I’m standing in the first day of my twenty two with lot of hopes, lot of dreams and an old heartache. I’m beginning this new year with the same engulf I had in the previous years. But yes, now I wanna make it alright. I can’t pinpoint a minute or even a second where I lost myself. It happened suddenly yet slowly.

I’m being forced to fulfill this role as a teacher, that I’m still not sure to believe in. Things were so easy in the beginning. I had a lot of dreams. I’m a good dreamer in fact. When I was in 9^th std I dreamt of being a doctor. I tried ,tried and tried. But couldn’t make it. When I completed my undergraduate dreamt of being a HR. Got the seats in B schools but couldn’t step in cos of parents. I finally ended up in teaching profession. But now as I stay here I wanna fly. An other dream in fact.

I had plenty of friends before or atleast four of them gave me strength. Family was in good friends with me. Life was full of enthusiasm. My heart was tender and was able to accept things in their own way. I was able to love people. I never compared one with other. I always had a reason to live, cry, hang out; I took relationship seriously. I respected elders. I took time to spend with my friends. I wrote long letters for them. Loved living everyday. I made mistakes. I confessed. I trusted Lord. But now when I look back after 22 years I wonder how I will survive without all those things.

Now I cannot be in the way I was before. In fact I dont want to be. coz I knew I cant have that tender heart of accepting things or even to love people. I don't even know if I can just explain the emotions swirling inside my heart. I'm not special for the time to wait for me, I have to start an other year now whatever happens;

And people who are celebrating your birthday today, many happy returns and I wish you will be loved and let this new year brings you a lot of happiness and blessings your way.

Few More Days

Just few more days to end my twenty two. The world seems darker these days than the most other days. I find myself pondering life again to figure out to give the right meaning. So far in all these years I was pretty ordinary in all the aspects of life. My hair was too curly before and I tried straightening!! I look pretty awkward when I’m sad. And I was not interested in and I wont be even sure what kind of make over I should put on. I loved living everyday. But in the recent year I started to take life for granted. Ene oru vaalake da???

Sitting in front of the computer and a million thoughts in my mind I wish I bring back all the memories of my past. I have made good friends. I have people to care and I loved them too. I have improved in my way in writing. I learnt to be independent. I have had the best part of my life in the past years. Moments to be cherished forever in my life. And at the same time I have disgusting feelings deep down in my heart. Loneliness always had its part to play. I have learnt Jesus is the fulcrum of my life, how big the loss is. I have learnt to be happy in the midst of all the sadness. I started earning. I started to find reason for whatever is happening. I tried all the new things. I fell sick. Met my bro Runc after ages. I stopped dreaming and I am forced to accept things even if it’s not in my way. I feel I’m not belonged to people. I couldn’t love and I wonder if real love exists. I have improved in my singing. I have started to show interest in dressing me up. I have learnt to be confident in life. I have made friends who are far older than me. I have got the guts to talk to people who are more experienced. But apart from all these things, I have prepared myself to fly away for the betterment of my life!!!! It’s the sincere prayer request now.

I have had enough happiness so far but I wonder If I will have enough. I’m not really a selfish person and I never really have been. No matter what I do and who I meet, how deeply I fall in love, it’s not enough!! May be I have a problem to start with. It seems ridiculous to say what I’m even thinking.